Carrots and Screen Time: Parenting Fails, Love Wins

“Dad, when I grow up I’m going to make a high speed maglev train that can take people to the UK. It’s going to have two cars for people with passports who have to pay for their tickets and special secret cars for people without passports who don’t have to pay.”

This is something Micaiah said to me recently. He’s had other ideas too, such as a special compartment in a ferry or helping people buy passports.

All of these ideas are, of course, ridiculous. They come out of the mind of a seven year old boy who’s been confronted by things that most kids his age never have to think about. We try hard not to confront our children with the worst stories of abuse that our displaced friends have shared with us, but Micaiah largely knows what our work consists of, and he is trying to wrestle with the implications in a way that only a child can.

Elijah, likewise, has had some ideas. One of my favorites is that he’s going to become a French citizen and run for mayor of Calais. He will then use government resources to build houses for displaced peoples and ensure there is plenty of space and room for them, as well as food.

Perhaps Elijah’s idea is somewhat more realistic, but that’s not so important to me. The very fact that our kids are thinking about ways they could potentially bring justice to an unjust situation is beautiful to me.

"I hear you all saying, 'Wow, Joseph, you’re such an amazing parent!' And trust me, I’d love to reply, 'Yes, yes I am.' But the truth is, I’m all too aware of my own failings as a father."

We live and work in a relatively high-stress situation. We often spend our days dealing with heartbreak or trauma or interpersonal disputes. While I often feel like my days shouldn’t have been tiring because all I did was talk all day, I often come to the end of my days exhausted. This can cause me to be less than patient and understanding with my children, and to make questionable parenting choices.

For one, our house is in a constant state of disarray. I think we spend every week telling ourselves that this weekend we’ll deal with the laundry and dishes and toys. Then the weekend comes, and we’d rather spend our free time doing almost anything else.

Or, even though we have pretty strict limits on our kids’ screentime, we are sometimes willing to give them extra screen time because we’re too tired to deal with the arguments or extra energy needed to deal with two very enthusiastic boys.

Because Micaiah is constantly hungry, we just decided to buy huge bags of carrots to leave in our refrigerator. Whenever he complains of hunger, we can send him to the fridge to grab a carrot, which he then proceeds to eat like a rabbit. We often find ends of carrots lying around our house.

So you see, we’re far from ideal parents. Our kids have grown to become amazing people in spite of, not because of, us. I could go on about my failures as a father at length, but I’ll spare you the most embarrassing details.

And I suspect I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I love my children more than anything else in this world, and I often tell them so. One time I asked Elijah, “Do you know I love you more than anything else in the world?” His response caught me off-guard. He rolled his eyes and said, “Yes, you tell me that every day.”

I say all this to remind us of the words of Peter when he says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). I have sinned as a father in a variety of ways, but I will never allow my children to believe that they aren’t the most important people in my life, that I love them with all of my heart.

As easy as it is to get down on ourselves for our mistakes as parents, let’s have mercy on ourselves and make sure that our kids know what true love is, and what true love looks like.

The kids will be alright.